a cold, hard look

I am currently in the midst of soul searching.
it's not a neat, simple, clean step-by-step process
and it's definitely not easy.
it's a mess,
but I trust it will be rewarding in the end.

one thing: my mom is one of the wisest women I know
and I am so thankful for her.

a very thin line

today, I came across this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Marianne Williamson

perforated pages

words I've been meditating upon lately:

a text from my dad:
"though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending" -carl bard


lyrics from a new, beloved song:
who are we
that you would be mindful of us?
what do you see
that's worth looking our way?

we are free
in ways that we never should be
sweet release
from the grip of these chains

and like hinges straining from the weight
my heart no longer can keep from singing


the words of habakkuk:
though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation (ch3:17-18)


a list that I strive for:
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control
[galatians 5:22]

mercy comes with the morning

let me just get right to it: we all have people in our lives whom we find difficult to love at times.
you just wish they weren't in your lives or that they would change in some miraculous manner.
but they don't.
and that's just it.
they won't change.
at least not by your doing.
it's you who has to be the one to change your perspective of that person.
discussing it in smallgroup, I realized that I could either continue to hate on these types of people and just be miserable doing so or I could do something about it and actually strive to obtain different perspectives of them, thus entering into the first steps of loving someone.
it all comes down to me.
of course, it's easier said than done, cause it would be way easier to just continue hating on that person and just pointing out the bad things about them.
and once you start picking out the things that bother you about them, you just can't stop.
but God sees us all the same and loves every single one of His marvelous creations.
so who am I to hate? and who am I to judge?

I feel like I had such a peaceful summer.
now it's back to reality.
back to immersing myself in this world that is so filled to the brim with sin and temptations.

ah, challenges--where would we be without them?
I repeat: be careful what you pray for.

penny for your thoughts

what am I doing?

I wonder if I am fooling myself.
actions speak louder than words.
my actions contradict my words. my thoughts. my feelings.
sometimes it's so certain.

and then it gets so hazy.

blurring the lines.

I can't. I won't.

but why not?

I confuse even myself.

words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup

thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box

bittersweet evidence

I came across a little invention called the "chat transcript viewer" for adium today and decided to look at a few past conversations that I had with people online.
old friends, new friends, strangers, people I don't talk to anymore.
some date all the way back to the beginning of freshman year.
some are from just a day ago.

how can I put this...

I guess I felt waves of nostalgia.
gentle ones and great big ones.
cringing at some things I've said, laughing at others--it definitely takes me back.
so much has changed in the course of two years.

lesson learned: one should never dwell too long in the past.

hopelessly devoted

and so it begins.
checking my calendar/agenda 50+ times a day.
planning things, scheduling dates, verifying to see when I have free time.
looking at the same months, same days over and over again until I have my appointments engraved in my brain.
suddenly, there aren't enough hours in a day and summer seems to pass me by.
I wonder if I would be able to survive without planning in advance my days, weeks, months...

what can I do with my obsession?
with the things I cannot see
is there madness in my being?
is it wind that blows the trees?


life would be so much simpler not caring so much about what lies ahead.