blaze with you

some tell me to be moderate,
but lukewarm will never do.


get me out of this apathetic spiral.
out of indifference,
and back into the great depths of love.


goodbye apathy.

a cluttered chalkboard

guitar playing has made me despise long nails on myself.
we are the geniuses of our own lives.
revolutionary road is truly awesome--it can't be stressed enough.
hands smell of marshmallow creme.
playdoh tastes super nasty 16 years later.
crosswords are so much fun.
in need of an ugly christmas sweater.
cute penguins make tedious reading happier.
instability. fickle feelings.
possible addiction to orange juice.

darkness trembles

not trying to be emo or anything,
but I am such a wretched sinner.

and yet,

when satan tempts me to despair,
and tells me of the guilt within
upwards I look and see Him there,
who made an end to all my sin.

He reassures me.

learning to breathe

"do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, through prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"
philippians 4:6-7

it's the last stretch.
time to finish strong.

sink or swim

reality check.
there is no rewind button.
no matter how much you conjure up alternate scenarios,
wish you did something differently,
cry and complain, throw a fit,
or get angry about it,
it won't make even a slight difference.
what's done is done.
all you can really do is accept it and move on.
or be miserable and waste your precious time with a furrowed brow
and a frown on your face.
drown in despair or float hopefully.
there's a reason why things happen the way they do.
we may not be able to see it just then, or even in the near or distant future.
but we can take great comfort and peace in knowing and trusting that God has His reasons for absolutely every little thing in our lives.
we're in good hands.

I will end with this though:
it is better to be safe than sorry.
it's an easy one to remember,
but an even easier one to forget.

la vie en rose

"[love] keeps no record of wrongs"
the concept is a difficult one for me to practice.
it's definitely a challenge to forget certain wrongs that have been done to me, especially when I have a pretty decent capacity for long term memory.
small things or seemingly big things, it doesn't matter--they all fall under the same category of transgression.
but lately, especially after crossway's series on love, I've been reminded that to truly love the brothers and sisters that God has surrounded me with, I must forgive and, more importantly, just forget about all these "injustices."
there just isn't any point in having a separate compartment in the brain to collect all these memories.

I think we all have different definitions of how it would look like to live life through rose colored glasses.
for me, it would be to live life without constantly reminding myself of the insignificant memories of the past.
time to make the ideal a reality.

my dad sent me this in the morning:
"We are all full of weakness and errors; let us all mutually pardon each other our follies: it is the first law of nature."
-Voltaire

true that.

beautiful disaster

today I broke a zipper on one of my favorite jackets.
as the pieces fell in a cluttered mess onto the floor,
I couldn't help but point out how many parts there were.
I was astonished at the complexity of such a common item.
then I thought,
"if a zipper is this intricate,
how much more elaborate are the inner workings of man?"

mind over matter

for some time now

unknowingly
I have been dwelling so peacefully
in the eye of the storm.

the delusion is shattered.
that dream is gone.
truth hits.



in the chaos,
in confusion
I know You're sovereign still.

stranger than fiction

lately I've been realizing that I am getting older.
my memory is less reliable, more responsibilities are being handed to me, I need more rest than usual and my thinking patterns have changed.
to be honest, I enjoy it.
I enjoy the fact that there is clear evidence of the fact that I am growing up.
but at the very same time this is going on, I find that I long for the things that remind me of childhood.
I love eating all the cotton candy I want.
I love dressing up.
I love playing silly games.
so at this very interesting stage, my twentieth year of life, I find myself...
torn in a sense.
torn between the extremes of life,
being attracted to both and neither at the same time.
life here is so amusing.

deciphering me

so when is the process of learning about yourself fully over?
answer: never.

it's really amazing how much I am still learning about myself.
as I verbalize certain truths or dig my past for clues, I find that there are so many answers that explain why I am the way that I am today.
some recollections rest fondly in the shallow surfaces of my mind,
whereas others have to be reached for in the darker abyss of hazy, blocked areas.
confronting. accepting. then moving on.

we are all such intricate beings.
I love it.
isn't God the coolest?

cracking the code

gaudeamus igitur
iuvenes dum sumus
post incundum iuventutem
post molestam senectutem
nos habebit humus

it may be a dead language,
but latin is so beautiful.

through the looking glass

the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick;
who can understand it?
jeremiah 17:9

speak to me

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,
I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have faith, so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,
but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient and kind;
love does not envy or boast;
it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 corinthians 13: 1-7

both a rebuke
and a reminder.

where the wild things are

sometimes,
I think entirely too much for my own good.

a cold, hard look

I am currently in the midst of soul searching.
it's not a neat, simple, clean step-by-step process
and it's definitely not easy.
it's a mess,
but I trust it will be rewarding in the end.

one thing: my mom is one of the wisest women I know
and I am so thankful for her.

a very thin line

today, I came across this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
- Marianne Williamson

perforated pages

words I've been meditating upon lately:

a text from my dad:
"though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending" -carl bard


lyrics from a new, beloved song:
who are we
that you would be mindful of us?
what do you see
that's worth looking our way?

we are free
in ways that we never should be
sweet release
from the grip of these chains

and like hinges straining from the weight
my heart no longer can keep from singing


the words of habakkuk:
though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation (ch3:17-18)


a list that I strive for:
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control
[galatians 5:22]

mercy comes with the morning

let me just get right to it: we all have people in our lives whom we find difficult to love at times.
you just wish they weren't in your lives or that they would change in some miraculous manner.
but they don't.
and that's just it.
they won't change.
at least not by your doing.
it's you who has to be the one to change your perspective of that person.
discussing it in smallgroup, I realized that I could either continue to hate on these types of people and just be miserable doing so or I could do something about it and actually strive to obtain different perspectives of them, thus entering into the first steps of loving someone.
it all comes down to me.
of course, it's easier said than done, cause it would be way easier to just continue hating on that person and just pointing out the bad things about them.
and once you start picking out the things that bother you about them, you just can't stop.
but God sees us all the same and loves every single one of His marvelous creations.
so who am I to hate? and who am I to judge?

I feel like I had such a peaceful summer.
now it's back to reality.
back to immersing myself in this world that is so filled to the brim with sin and temptations.

ah, challenges--where would we be without them?
I repeat: be careful what you pray for.

penny for your thoughts

what am I doing?

I wonder if I am fooling myself.
actions speak louder than words.
my actions contradict my words. my thoughts. my feelings.
sometimes it's so certain.

and then it gets so hazy.

blurring the lines.

I can't. I won't.

but why not?

I confuse even myself.

words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup

thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box

bittersweet evidence

I came across a little invention called the "chat transcript viewer" for adium today and decided to look at a few past conversations that I had with people online.
old friends, new friends, strangers, people I don't talk to anymore.
some date all the way back to the beginning of freshman year.
some are from just a day ago.

how can I put this...

I guess I felt waves of nostalgia.
gentle ones and great big ones.
cringing at some things I've said, laughing at others--it definitely takes me back.
so much has changed in the course of two years.

lesson learned: one should never dwell too long in the past.

hopelessly devoted

and so it begins.
checking my calendar/agenda 50+ times a day.
planning things, scheduling dates, verifying to see when I have free time.
looking at the same months, same days over and over again until I have my appointments engraved in my brain.
suddenly, there aren't enough hours in a day and summer seems to pass me by.
I wonder if I would be able to survive without planning in advance my days, weeks, months...

what can I do with my obsession?
with the things I cannot see
is there madness in my being?
is it wind that blows the trees?


life would be so much simpler not caring so much about what lies ahead.

to believe is to begin

an excerpt from my nicaragua journal [july 11, 2009 saturday]:

a response to matthew 8 and 9
"it surprises me just how much faith people had back in the day. when people asked Jesus to heal sicknesses, diseases, and even death, they asked with such an assured tone, as if they were positively certain of his powers. times have changed. we live in a world where things are questioned over and over again and such miracles are scarcely seen or believed. doubt and skepticism have sunk deep into our souls and have affected our faiths so discreetly. childlike faith. I desire it so much. just as a child wholeheartedly believes in a magic trick, I wish to believe in the sheer power of God and to understand the full extent of His magnificence"

as I sat at church today listening to the sermon, this particular journal entry of mine came to mind. today's focus was this: "give us this day our daily bread." this statement is a true stamp of faith. this is meant to be prayed on a daily basis with a confidence that God will provide for our needs. God provided the Israelites with manna every single day, commanding them to take only as much as they needed, because He would faithfully provide again the next day. we should be able to ask God for our needs with courage and boldness, not with fear and trembling. He loves us so much and would give us anything, and yet we fail to acknowledge Him as such a being. what a profound concept.
people tend to glaze over deuteronomy...

temporary lapse

so yesterday I spent a large chunk of my time watching season four of project runway.
in one of the episodes, a contestant said this:
"life is too short to waste on a bad outfit"
my immediate response to this was "that is so true"
and then the wheels in my head started turning...

there's really no reason why we should wear something that we're not comfortable in.
I think a lot of the time, I find myself trying to make an outfit work when it hasn't done me any good in the past.
with this in mind, I felt convicted to go through my closet, pick out all the items that I've failed with and donate them to charity.

now another thought crept in my head along the same time.
I felt as though because "life is too short", we should keep buying what is "good" so that we can figure out what works and therefore look good all the time.
and with this small spark, my shopaholic little self came rushing out and proceeded to fill my brain with thoughts of shopping.
now this is the power that ten little words had on my thought processes.

I recount this memory, because lately I've been dealing with the notion of need vs. want. of course, there are endless amounts of things that I want as I browse online or walk into malls. but as I peer into my closet, I realize that there is absolutely nothing that I need.

the media is definitely good at what it does and it grows stronger and stronger as the days pass. movies, tvshows, magazines are the greatest instruments of advertisements. they make things look so accessible and so glamorous that it's hard to snap back into reality.
craziness I tell ya.

glass half full

I've missed you bloggy.
been back from nicaragua for about two weeks now, but my head still remains in the clouds.
still chewing on the things I've learned--man are they sweet.
totally missed just chillin and hanging out with loved ones.
soaking in the summer; it's been good to me thus far.
just gotta slow it down a bit; too much has happened in so little time.
but God is too good to me--that's a fact.

I miss this.

up, up and away

and so reality hits: I am going to Nicaragua in a matter of hours.
prepared or not, the time has come and all I can do now is trust.
endless hours of training, homework, bodyworship, skits, praying and it all boils down to this: God is truly good.
excited and nervous at the same time.
please keep me in your thoughts and prayers--I need lots and lots of it.
thank you so much for coming to my commissioning service (esp. to my parents, sb friends for driving such a long way, and my crossway family). it really meant a lot.
Nicaragua, here I come!!
see you soon loves.

let me live forever lost in Your love

lost in translation

the world has succeeded yet again in deceiving me.
love is not meant to be a difficult thing.
it's only when we try to love people for their worldly aspects and judge them by superficial standards that we find love to be arduous.
but when we keep our focus on what is real and perfect, our hearts should naturally overflow with a great abundance.
and that's where love comes in the picture.

I used to say this a lot: "it's so hard loving people."
well, it's not true.
it shouldn't be.
and that's that.

look what a mess we've made of love.


"And it is my prayer that your love abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment"
phillipians 1:9

"The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith"
1 timothy 1:3

some kind of wonderful

I had a chance to hang out with my parents today.
because of my crazy weeks and equally busy weekends, I hadn't really been able to spend as much time with them as I wanted to.
on the car ride to la, my parents were helping each other memorize bible verses and learn the lyrics of new praise songs.
I couldn't help smiling at how cute they were.
the fact that at their age, they are still in the process of learning and developing their faith fills my heart with so much joy and thanksgiving.
that is a hope I have for my own future.


here's an inspiring quote I found on a church bulletin yesterday:
"forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past"

so simple, right?

hot then you're cold

bipolarity.

I'm just gonna say it:
I really don't like it when you do that.

shed that shallow skin

simplicity.
it's kind of a silly analogy, but I had to restart my macbook the other day, and my 10+ tabs were lost.
instead of feeling anxious, angry, or empty, I felt really free.
in the past, as I kept on adding to my collection of tabs on my window, I couldn't bring myself to close any of them.
but when they were taken from me without my consent, I really had no choice.
I feel like once we are somewhat forced to start something over, it's really not that hard--it's just working up the strength to do it ourselves that's the difficult process.

I think it's the same in our lives too.
we feel that we have to save and collect all these useless things of the world, because we think that we'll need them sometime in our future.
but in the end, they'll all be taken from us, and we should feel the same sense of peace and freedom.

it's something I think we all know, but we just need a reminder every now and then.

we were meant to live for so much more,
have we lost ourselves?

cause we're only human

all I can say is,
be careful what you pray for,
because you're gonna have to follow through.

suddenly I see

so many thoughts running through my mind--I can barely control them.
I wouldn't be able to express them in coherent phrases if my life depended on it.
before I even have time to react, another thought creeps in and completely takes over.
there's no one, prolonged emotion, because there's simply no time for it.
but there's one thing I know that I have found
and that can only be described as perfect, indescribable joy
and at this very moment,
it rests peacefully in my heart.

strange, but I like it.
scratch that; I love it.


can I stay here forever?

flying time

I have officially lost track of time.
hours, days, weeks go by like they're nothing.
by the time I'm fully settled in sb, it's time to go back home.
and vice versa.
it's craziness I tell you.

and life's like an hourglass
glued to the table.



"His time, what a bankrupt idea, as if he's been
given a box of time belonging to him alone, stuffed
to the brim with hours and minutes that he can
spend like money. Trouble is, the box has holes in it
and the time is running out, no matter what he does with it."
-oryx and crake

like a child

a childlike faith. not childish.
but childlike.
a few letters make all the difference.
I want to be just like the boy who offered up his meager meal of five loaves and two fish to Jesus.
though he must surely have been hungry and tired, he gave Him his all.
he didn't withhold anything.
everything was given.
there is absolutely no doubt that the others in the large multitude had some sort of sustenance that they carried with them while following Jesus.
but it was not them, but this child who stepped it up.
what a profound image of conviction and of absolute purity.

a strange apparition

I made a short-lived friend at prayer rock today.
it was a bird almost half my height.
he was powerful and large, swooping right in front of me and landing near where I was stationed.
we stood together, still and silent before the thundering waves.
then he disappeared.
I even went to go look for him.
but he was gone.

sitting, waiting, wishing

musing lazily on love

"loving is never really owning
loving is giving everything you can and
trying to give everything you cannot"

ok, it's alright with me

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

all about the wordplay

courtesy of wordle.net
click to enlarge.

I love being an english major.
we have such fun toys to play with.

understatement of the year

sometimes, it is truly exhausting to be a christian.
can I get an amen?
but He loves.
so I love.
or I try at least.
love--man it's difficult.

baby steps

so speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty.
for judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy.
mercy triumphs over judgment.
james 2: 12-13

baby steps.
let's just take baby steps for now.

take a look at me now

I got my ears pierced today.
for those who don't know, I have refused to get any piercings on my body since birth, because I am a huge sucker for pain.
but today, spontaneity was in the air, and I decided to give it a shot.
my ears literally felt like they were being hole-punched, as if they were thin pieces of paper.
it was a very strange experience.

I know it's not that big of a deal, but I felt so courageous today.
we've only got one life to live here on earth anyway, so why not right?
I wonder what other chances I'll take in the future...

a bundle of joy

041909 Chanel joins the Choi family.



she's a purebred maltese puppy of 2 months.
isn't she the cutest thing ever?

sideNote:
the hillsong concert was pretty amazing. very refreshing&fun.
brooke fraser=awesome.

give me the green light

driving down the road late at night
no stopping
just green, green & more green.
--that is the best.

that's how I feel like my life is going right now.
it's just a bunch of green lights, gently pushing me towards my goal, allowing me to gradually accelerate little by little until I'm riding the curves with a smooth, wave-like motion.

sometimes I almost just wait for the red to slow me to a piercing halt.
I dread it.
it's so comfortable right now.
just five more minutes--make it ten.

"I live in the clouds. Reality is not for me. People say I should come down.
That the clouds are not a place for grownups to be. I smile at them.
Maybe one day I will come down. But I never will. Reality is not for me.
I shall stay up here. The view is quite breathtaking"
-andre jordan

paranoia

question: what is with the plethora of silkworms that erupted out of nowhere these past couple days?

it's really gross. I found like three of them on my clothing articles during classes.
now when I'm on the sidewalks near the trees, I get all paranoid which in turn forces me to walk strangely, throwing dirty glares at the possible silkworms hiding in the branches, waiting at any moment to pounce on me.

boo for itsy bitsy, creepy crawlies.

great expectations

I expect too much.
from people, from situations, from everything.
it leaves me feeling dissatisfied, unhappy, and confused.

but the only person I should expect from is God.
only He deserves our great expectations,
because He's the only one who can fulfill them.



inspiring quote of the day:
"temptations are sore things;
but yet without them, we know not our selves,
nor what we are able to do."
-pamela_samuel richardson

forget-me-nots

"heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlaying our hard hearts."
-pip, great expectations

poignantly put, dickens. couldn't have said it better myself.


I love these little dates I've been going on lately.
slowing things down and getting to spend some quality time with people makes me happy.
♥


a joke for you:
Q: why did the book join the police?
A: so he could work undercover

courtesy of my grape-flavored popsicle.
isn't it so clever and cute? makes me wanna giggle.

mindless babbles

on the way up from chapel to sb, I saw a burning car on the side of the road.
it was a really scary image. and I still wonder if there were any people trapped in there.

I am officially going to Nicaragua for the summer. for those of you who don't know, that is in central america (I had no idea in the beginning actually...terrible geography skills--mind you, I am an english major thank goodness). it will be exciting times; I feel it in my fingers.

recently, I received a really encouraging email. it motivates me to do the same for others. personalized emails are so underrated. I love them.

love/hate relationships. bleh. enough said.

I got owned in the legs by a softball today. twice. once in each leg. the lingering stinging effect is an immediate indicator that perhaps this is not the sport for me.

people can really surprise you. but on the flipside, they can really disappoint you too. oh, how interesting it is to be human.

lately, I've been feeling so thankful for certain people in my life. namely God. but many of those close to me as well. blessings upon blessings.

don't you love it when you find the perfect verse to describe your current situation? it's been happening a lot for me. it's a good feeling.

I want to go on an adventure. one that involves the ocean and forest greens and cloudgazing&stargazing. and hair blowing in the slight breeze.

week2 already. where does the time go?

veritas

this is my prayer in the desert
when all that's within me feels dry
this is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides

and this is my prayer in the fire
in weakness, or trial, or pain
there is a faith proved more worth than gold
so refine me Lord through the flame

and I will bring praise, I will bring praise
no weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory, and He is here

all of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship.

a song that speaks directly to my spirit
at this very moment in time.
this is the only way--He knows.
I have been broken. completely. utterly.
shattered.
stripped to my very core.
yet, there is such peace.

I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship.

as of late

...I have cultivated a love for bar soap. the feel of rubbing the pure, smooth object with my hands is a most delightful feeling. &the clean sensation that I feel after washing les mains with it is a most satisfying encounter. and the best part is, even though the actual soap bar can get dry and rough-looking when not in use, right when I place it between my hands and under the water again, it becomes as creamy as ever.

...is it just me or does it seriously not feel like spring quarter? winter went by like a breeze, and here we are, ten weeks before summer begins.

...I keep realizing that God knows me more than I do. a little smile escapes my lips whenever I'm reminded. when I catch myself doing it, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. He knows that this is the only way I'll keep my eyes on the prize--I am content.

...a challenge: waking up; rededicating my life to Him; praying the Lord's prayer; reading the word.

...Question: why do I do this? Answer: He is worthy.

leap of faith

making a list, checking it twice.
two whole pages filled--I write in small letters.

drawing a picture; formulating possibilities.
strange as it seems, it gives me comfort
and confidence.

mindset changed; eyes cease
to wander.
my heart is now
safe.

for so long I've been fooling myself.
the world succeeded in confusing me.
I know now.

unconditional trust is a difficult concept. but
I'm slowly understanding.

the feeling is indescribable.

happiness and content comes in the form
of a smile.

it is well with my soul.

witty revelations

I do not care what car you drive
where you live. If you know some
one who knows someone who knows
someone. If your clothes are this
years cutting edge. If your trust
fund is unlimited. If you are a-
list b-list or never heard of you
list. I only care about the words that
flutter from your mind. They
are the only thing you truly own.
The only thing I will remember
you by. I will not fall in love
with your bones and skin. I will
not fall in love with the places
you have been. I will not fall
in love with anything but the
words that flutter from
your extraordinary mind.

-andre jordan

this man is awesome.

scribbles on a page

this post shall consist of a variety of shorts, as my mind is, at the moment, filled with a bunch of little things.

bibliographies
three words: I hate them. when I think about how many of them I'll have to do in the course of my english major career, I cringe.

shuffle on iPods
it is a most wonderful thing when the shuffle feature on iPods plays your favorite songs, one after another. this one time, it happened throughout the entire day, and it made me furiously happy.

fml
the first time I have ever heard this phrase used was when my friend Matthew said it (in addition to other things like "f me" &ec.). but when several of my friends told me to check out fmylife.com, I was truly hooked. I find it hilarious that so many people, including myself, find the embarrassments of others to be delightfully amusing. funny world.

accents
oh man. why are they so much fun? british, australian, southern--my favorites. my goal is to perfect the australian accent. allo!

procrastination
this was my very best friend in highschool. probably before that too. something clicked though (I think it was when I hit college), and I just couldn't do it anymore. we had a falling out. now I do things weeks in advance. I think it was a wise choice to break off that friendship though. it was no good for me.

spring forward
it was really sad losing an hour of the day--especially when it seems that these days, there just isn't enough time. but on the flipside, there's more daylight now=more time to enjoy the beautiful sun and soak in its glorious rays. God is fair.

well that's that. I just finished two of my most important essays. whewww.
time for a little fun!